May 6, 2013…. the day that changed everything…. stay tuned!
This is the post excerpt.
May 6, 2013…. the day that changed everything…. stay tuned!
Five years have passed today from that fateful day of that “simple procedure” that put me on this path. I don’t think its a coincidence that my Spirit Angel, Effie gifted me a piece of petrified wood from the Sedona Vortex this week, as wood is also the traditional gift to give for a 5th wedding anniversary!
The energies of Petrified Wood will give you stability and help you recognize the best solutions for your problems.
It will give you the strength and courage to pursue them determinedly.
This stone is very beneficial to those who are impatient in waiting for the fruits of their hard work. It will give you the commitment to wait for your inner transformation to take place.
It will strengthen your backbone, both in a physical and metaphysical sense. It will also promote discipline and self-will.
As I write this, I am no longer filled with thoughts of the things I can no longer do… don’t get me wrong the longing comes and goes but it no longer defines or consumes me. I can do so much more than I realize, albeit, I do things with chronic pain, things take me longer and the recovery is longer, but that could be attributed to my age as well uggghhh. Truth is, every year we have celebrated the anniversary of that day for the last several years, but this year I didn’t feel the need to as it’s really in the past and I would like to leave it there! I don’t need May 6th to keep lurking over my shoulder, the date will forever be in the memory banks as living this new normal. I am reminded every day upon opening my eyes and feeling the familiar pain and finding the familiar rhythm of working through it. But lets be honest to quote Robin Roberts “everybody’s got something” so enough looking back, I’m looking forward, I have a 5K to train for, my oldest son is getting married and I have a great life here in the present and it’s time to start focusing on just living in the moment! So I celebrate this accomplishment and leave it in the past. Onward and upward, I’ve got a race to run!
Not sure where to begin with this post… a huge part of my recovery is missing now. Her name was Bella and the shelter may say that I saved her life, but the truth is, she literally saved mine… I was volunteering at the shelter for a few months after losing my beloved chocolate Lab, Brandy… we shared almost 14 short years together and for the first time in my life I was without a dog. I would go to the shelter and walk the dogs and as a hobby, I dabble in dog training; so during walks I would work on simple commands with the dogs, mostly “Pitbull” type dogs that too often get looked over in shelters. I am lucky, our shelter is a no kill one, but if dogs are there for years or cannot be adopted out due to their fears, etc, even the most devoted shelter sometimes has to make the humane call for euthanasia as opposed to stressing an animal beyond it’s limit by being confined. December 24th, 2012, I arrived at the shelter and this beautiful terrified dog was “found” and turned over to animal control, she was hiding under the office chair, terrified of noise, would urinate if a man so much as spoke around her, all the while shaking while trying to appear invisible. Her belly was swollen and her nipples were engorged and she was thought to be pregnant. I knew she had to get out of there if only to have her puppies in a home surrounded by people that would never hurt her. As I spent time with her trying to earn her trust (it wasn’t hard), we formed a bond. I had never seen a dog so traumatized or damaged. Her ears were cut off ruggedly most likely by scissors, she limped when she walked, but her eyes… those beautiful eyes… they just begged to be protected… what terrors had they seen?
I decided she would be my foster, but we had to wait a week as the rules were a dog had to remain at shelter for 7 days in case she was reclaimed. I visited every day and cried and fell in love… The biggest obstacle I had to overcome was that I had a husband at home and 3 adult sons of which one was still living at home. How would she react? Would she be scared? So on December 30th, because I was a volunteer we met on that Sunday due to the holiday, my husband and I went down to the shelter and I secretly got my hopes up… As we arrived, animal control went to hand me the leash and she huddled next to my husband and off they went on a little walk! He came back and just simply said to me “put her in the car”. I think we knew she was already ours on the ride home but didn’t want to jinx it. We took her home and fed her gave her a soft warm bed and some toys – she had no idea what to do with a toy. She just looked so relieved to be out of there. We gave her a bath and gave her some time to just be warm and dry. After a couple hours, she claimed this spot on the couch next to her second favorite human, my son…
Ahh the things we could learn from dogs. With New Years Even being the next night, we had already had plans, but my husband would not leave her alone, so I went to a friends for a couple of hours and found them cuddled on the couch when I got home… It was one of the best New Year’s Eve’s ever!
After seeing the vet a couple days later, it seemed Bella was not pregnant, but had recently given birth and then with her puppies probably sold she was dumped like garbage… I still get boiled up when I think of the monsters that did this to her… but as they say “one man’s trash is another’s treasure… and boy did we find a treasure!
I had only a month with Bella before getting hurt, although she bonded with us, she was still wary and wasn’t much of a snuggle dog with me yet, she was affectionate and her personality was coming out a bit, but still needed some time. She had this wonderful boxing dance she did at the top of the stairs when we would come home, it was hilarious and made my heart swell! Fast forward to the next several months, most of which I was either bed-ridden or in the hospital…. It is now somewhere either July or August when I finally went home, I was still confined to bed though. Bella usually would lay on the floor or stay on the couch most of the day, but then something was happening, unbeknownst to me. I was very sick and on a lot of medicines to fight the spinal infection, Bella starting getting on the bed and laying her head on my belly and crying and pawing me. After a couple days of this we ended up at ER again where it was found that I had C-Diff – a very dangerous, deadly infection brought on by antibiotics and or being in a hospital. I was very sick, back on IV therapy and more medicines and soon back home recovering again. Bella went back to pretty much ignoring me again as her bond was still stronger with the men due to my long absences. We started to question if she had known something was wrong with me as it was so strange how she just went back to leaving me once I was recovering. We got our answer a couple months later when I was sleeping and she hopped up on the bed put her head on my belly and started crying… I wasn’t actively sick yet, but we wasted no time and called my infectious disease Dr….. once again positive for C-Diff! Bella saved me again! My body was already fighting so much infection and dehydration happens so quick with this additional infection, I was too weak to realize how sick I was, but she knew… We mentioned it to my Dr. who confirmed that there are certain dogs who can sniff out C-Diff, much like a dog who sniffs out seizures, cancer and diabetes! The dog that was discarded as trash and abused by humans had just saved a humans life, how ironic is that. I will never be able to express the gratitude in one post that I have for that beautiful creature that I miss so much. We only had the blessing of Bella for 5 short years, but if you were lucky enough to know her, you loved her. She loved humans, babies, small children and even cats! How could someone torture something so pure and loving… I will never know, but I am so glad to have the pleasure of making her last 5 years full of love and affection… I love you Bella, until we meet again
Been awhile since my last post…. the Flu has been widespread around the country, I am allergic to the Flu vaccine and honestly not a big believer in it’s effectiveness, so it was not a shock to me when immediately after my last post after having run errands all that morning that I got up from my laptop and BAM! I was freezing, chills, shaking, headache, fever and my whole body ached – especially my back.
Recently a friend had suddenly lost his mother to the Flu, she was only 10 years older than me, children and otherwise healthy adults were dying from this Flu, I was the one wearing gloves everywhere, staying home to avoid contact with possibly infected people, using hand sanitizer, using my sleeve to open doors, hold shopping carts, etc, I even changed my annual physical to avoid being in the Dr’s office during Flu Season – how crazy is that??
So after confirming my symptoms on Google, I determined I had the Flu. So over the next 2 days I stacked Tylenol/Motrin, drank lots of water and literally stayed in bed. I kept ignoring the little voice in my head that something else could be wrong, I had had the Flu before, but this was different. I was up all night peeing, but I was drinking all day, normal right? My back was killing me, normal for the Flu right? My bladder felt like it was on fire – didn’t read that about the Flu…. Decided to check in with my Dr., but I refused to go in for visit as I didn’t want to be around sick people during Flu season. I described my symptoms and she too felt symptoms were in line with the Flu, keep doing what I was doing and keep in touch. After a week I started to feel a little better, but could not be without Tylenol or back in bed I went. Then after the first week I had to drive to an appointment about 20 minutes away. Shortly after getting behind wheel I got that feeling again, shaking, chills, fever, nausea and the pain in my back! It felt like 3rd degree burns all over and I could not even touch the left side of my back. Called my Dr. who had me come right in, I had to call my husband as I could not even drive at this point, was then sent for a CT SCAN, which did not go well, I don’t do well drinking the contrast, especially when you already feel like vomiting and your kidneys are screaming and they had a tough time getting the IV in! Turns out I did not have the Flu (well I may have had prior but we will never know for sure) but I had a serious kidney infection that almost resulted with a hospital stay had I not gone to the Dr. when I did! By this point I was so weak and in so much pain, I was just relieved to have a plan of action. Antibiotics, my nemesis, they are a necessary drug to fight infection, but for people like me they come with serious risk. I am prone to C-Diff – clostridium difficile infection. I suffered from this for 2 years after my back surgeries. It is a cruel illness, it is a life threatening illness, for this reason I will usually resist any type of antibiotics, but this was different, my kidneys were at risk of permanent damage. So I am taking them for 2 weeks, loading up on probiotics and keeping my fingers crossed and praying to my Guardian Angels for guidance – had I listened to them before I would not be in this mess! You see, for the week prior I kept saying things like “if I didn’t know better I swear I have a UTI” or “should my back hurt this much?” I kept quieting the voice in my head… why?? I’ll tell you why, FEAR a simple four letter word – but fear is the EGO talking, letting the fear of being near germs actually made my fears manifest and kept me from seeking the help I so badly needed even when all the signs were there that I was ignoring! I start being a better listener today. Listen to your “inner voices” pay attention, we usually know when something is off, but we shut the “noise” – the fear, the gut feelings, we tell ourselves we are being paranoid, etc, the universe is never wrong….. Hoping to be up to daily posts soon, taking this one day at a time. So glad I have this outlet for healing and enlightenment, even if no one reads it, it is therapeutic !
I have spent the last couple of days trying to figure out what to write next.. the memories are both vivid and blurry, do I really need to do this?? I want to leave it in the past but I have this unexpected urge to put it all in print, so here goes!
I remember being in the hospital, I remember lots of intense pain, I was forbidden to get out of bed without a nurse or an aide – I also remember that most of my nurses were all pregnant and I didn’t want them to help me out of bed because I was worried about their babies! (I was in the hospital so long most of my nurses had their babies before I went home) I remember this intense feeling of shame of not being able to attend to my most basic needs, I think one of the most demoralizing things of being in the hospital is someone wiping your *ss for you… how do you make eye contact after that?? If I had a male aide, I would hold out until the shift change. I remember thinking what if I never walk again and what if people have to take care of me like this forever?? It made me feel in awe of people that are confined to wheel chairs and others who live with limitations and this terrified me too… which brought on my guilt again, it was a vicious cycle of hopelessness, frustration, suffering and pain.
So now that we know we are dealing with osteomyelitis we know I need a powerful antibiotic to fight it. The last surgery was called a debridement – an infection of the surrounding tissues and organs of my spinal column, the infection was pretty widespread by the time they found it. My “band-aid surgery” was now a raging infection with a dozen staples and a drain and a lovely PICC line installed in my right arm so the drugs can go directly into my blood stream to fight this monster of an infection. Well at least I will get better now right??? The Doctors didn’t know at the time, but it was only the beginning of my little piece of hell. I was informed that due to the care I needed I would be transferred to a rehab hospital where I could get stronger and receive physical therapy to regain my strength and balance. I strongly felt something was wrong but nobody would listen to me, they just kept pushing pills and sent me on my way. The first thing I remember about the rehab facility was it was HOT, I’m talking blisteringly hot, at the time we were going through a horrible heatwave where it had been over 100 degrees and humid for several days. They put me in a room with several people and I could not breathe, the AC had gone out and it was stifling. My pain was getting worse, everything was blurry and I could not move… I must have called my husband, I don’t remember much during this time, but I remember my husband’s parents coming in with a fan to cool me off…. I was burning up and I kept telling them something was wrong… My husband came by after work… not sure how I was moved or how many days went by, could be 1 or 3, but I was moved to a room with AC and he demanded a nurse take my temperature… I was 102.9 and we were informed they would not call a doctor until I was over 103!! I was writing in pain and begging for someone to help me, my arm was red where the PICC line was and I was scared I was going to die there. The nurse informed my husband she would page a doctor… he decided to go the nurses station and stayed there with his arms crossed until someone came in… now my husband can be an intimidating person when he is determined, for this I will be forever grateful, if he had not done this my story could have had a very different ending….Within 10 minutes a doctor was there. That action literally saved my life.
The next few hours are a blur and most of this was retold to me by my husband and friends…. I know I was transported by ambulance back to the hospital, the PICC line threw a blood clot and was also infected! Even as I am writing this my breathing is rapid and I feel very anxious…. After removing the infected line I had to wait for what seemed like forever for someone to come back in… My friend and her family were in the ER, her mother had fallen, and they saw my husband in the waiting room, they say they came in to see me, I don’t remember…. I remember being told I was being sent back to rehab facility and I flat out refused, begging them to readmit me here or they would kill me there! Then I was alone for a long time, they had sent my husband home to get some rest telling him I would be moved to a room soon. In the confusion somehow they had mistakenly put on my chart that I had been sent back to Rehab… I was utterly alone… the room was dark, I was ringing the nurse button because I was in so much pain and I also had to go to the bathroom, I was still restrained to the gurney… it was that nightmare all over again… I was screaming but nobody could hear me…I don’t know how long I cried and yelled, it felt like hours, it could have been minutes I really don’t know. Finally, by the grace of God, a nurse came by to clean the room and found me still in there… she was frantic, explaining to me she didn’t know I was there… I think I passed out after this, I really can’t be sure…
Have you ever had a nightmare, where you are scared and trying to scream to people so they can save you but you can’t get the words out or be heard… you wake up in a cold sweat and out of breath? That’s what the next hospital stay felt like every day. I was trapped in a shell of pain, I couldn’t get out and no-one seemed to be able to get to me and make it stop. Even as I type this the details are blurry at best, I remember Doctors and nurses and blood draws and confusion of what to do with me. I remember morphine and IV bags… I remember the look on my husbands face of helplessness and frustration. I remember many of the ER doctors remembering me because we had spent so many visits to the ER together… oddly, this comforted me, they genuinely seemed concerned for me but also baffled by what was causing me such pain….. blood counts starting coming in, something was very wrong, my white cells where off the charts, so at least they at least knew they were fighting infection, but how to fight it? I was awaiting a CT SCAN aspiration – this involves inserting a large needle into the spinal column to drain fluid and determine what bacteria is causing infection so it can be eradicated. I remember being awake, which was explained to me that I had to be able to tell them if something causes pain or other sensations, there is some sedation but you are aware of what is going on. I remember lots of pressure and praying it would be over soon. Sadly it was over soon, my spinal fluid was filled with blood and pus… I was being told I had to go into emergency surgery. To back up a bit, my husband was not with me as I was admitted during the night and it was a weekend so my test was going to be some time the next day, we didn’t know when and there was no time to let him know I guess. So back to surgery, I was unable to give consent as I had been midly sedated for CT SCAN, I remember a sense of urgency to get my husband to the hospital to give consent as it could not be done over phone, I remember crying and thinking I would never see him or my children again and I needed to tell them I loved them one last time….I was lying on the gurney on the way to surgery and I still didn’t know exactly what whas happening, it was like watching a movie in slow-motion accept I was the main character. I can’t really write about what happens next in order as I don’t have real memories or they are so fragmented I can’t be sure what is real and what was dreamt…I have to think about how to continue my journey, I’m not sure I can relive this part yet, reliving this is harder than I thought and I am in such a good place now, but I feel like I need to put it in print to leave it behind??
The day my life changed forever…. Having just had one of the greatest weekends of my life with my closest friends for an early Cinco De Mayo pre-surgery party, (more on that in another blog someday, it was epic) I was ready for surgery, truth be told, I was excited, I was looking forward to getting back to the WOD… My surgeon told me how simple the procedure would be that I would probably go home later that day with a bandaid – a simple lumbar discectomy laminectomy it was officially titled. I realize now that I never even asked any questions, logical ones like, how many of these have you done, what exactly will happen, what are the risks? Sure you have to sign all these forms, but does anyone really read them? Anyway… the surgery goes on without any obvious signs of complications. I remember waking up and feeling no pain in my right leg where hours before it was all I ever felt, great right, surgery worked! I’m healed and can get back to Crossfit in a few weeks! They decide to keep me overnight, I don’t remember why (sign #3??) I go home the next day still feeling OK… the following morning I am woken up by an intense pain in my left leg! I cannot stand, or walk without help, this pain is worse than the pain from before, I am starting to be concerned. The next few weeks, months would turn into countless ER visits, hospital stays and more surgeries much of which I do not remember. As weeks go by, tests are finally ordered, it was determined that my disc’s were not only herniated, they were deteriorated, and had ruptered into small fragments along the spinal column, the Dr. had “missed” a couple of pieces during the 1st surgery, and the fragments were pressing on the nerve along the spine which was causing pain on the other side. He needs to go back in, the fear is starting, the voices I had ignored are at a fever pitch, but I am in so much pain, I just want it to end, do whatever it takes to be pain free…
Note…. my injury and initial MRI was in February… my 1st surgery was not until May. Looking back if baffles me why a surgeon would operate on a woman’s spine, having not ordered a single test based off another doctors MRI done over 3 months earlier… That simple test may have changed everything… more damage obviously occured between February and May, but I was to naive… I trusted blindly, so essentially, he was operating blind, only looking for a herniation –
June 6, 2013 the second surgery is performed and I know immediately upon waking up something is very wrong. It’s not just the pain, it’s thet way people are looking at me, fear, alarm, confusion?? I have gained an enourmous amout of weight in a short period of time, I am not sure how long I have been asleep, I am bloated, fuzzy, medicated and so damn scared. I am soon sent home again, hopped up on pain med, steroids, antibiotics and God knows what else… I was unable to walk and had a wheelchair for a little while… My son was graduating high school and I was not going to miss it… not my baby’s graduation. A friend of mine is a teacher at the school and arranged for me to have a special viewing section… Sadly, I don’t have many live memories of that day but I have the pictures, we put on a brave face for him, but inside we knew something was brewing. Pain is an odd thing to describe to people, after awhile you start to think it’s you, that you are weak and just suck it up, you think people around you are probably tired of hearing about it, everybody’s got something right? Why can’t I beat this, why is my body betraying me like this, a few weeks ago I was deadlifting 150 pounds damnit! I feel guilty, my husband and kids are working and taking care of me 24/7 I should be taking care of them!
About a week later we were having my son’s graduation party – it had been pre-planned and was a big deal (our parties are kinda epic). My husband, family and friends had to do all the work as I was still in my wheel chair… I have vague memories of that day.. I remember only a couple of snippets.. I remember one of my husbands oldest friends staring at me in disbelief… (did I really look that bad)! Looking back, I did… He later told me, he never thought he would see me alive again….. I have a hazy memory of dozing in a recliner in my living room while my girlfriends whispered to each other while looking at me – I can’t even be sure that happened I may have been halucinating. Something was terribly wrong… by the end of the night we were back in the ER… the hospital would be my home for the next month….
By the night of my WOD I cannot stand, I cannot sit, I cannot walk… the pain is intense, nothing like I have ever felt before… and I had at this point already had 8 surgeries unrelated to my back, a couple being pretty major, so I was no stranger to pain and like to consider myself to have a high tolerance for pain… but how high I had not even imagined yet. My husband has to somehow get me into car, I remember lying face down in the backseat of his pickup truck barely able to breathe through the pain… If I’m being honest, I can’t even be sure what I remember during this time, the next few months are a blur of Neurologist, surgeons, MRI’s and tests all leading to the same conclusion… 3 herniated discs, L-4, _L-5, S-1. I have never been a fan of back surgery, and was a firm believer in avoiding at all costs, I had been a Medical Assistant in a neurology office… no way, not happening! But at this point it is only February 2013, exactly 4 weeks since I started Crossfit… Full disclosure here… Even though I could not walk unassisted, my pain level was a steady 6-7 and was on a healthy cocktail of opioids, I was talking daily with my mentor and doing partial WOD’s from home… go back and read that last sentence, even writing it I am shaking my head, the stupidity could have paralyzed me knowing what I know now about my condition… I was addicted to the rush of the WOD, the feeling of pushing myself to limits, the community of being part of that world which so many awesome, fit, beautiful people live by, why couldn’t I be like them? What was wrong with me??
I decided to try a therapeutic approach, meds, rest, ice, heat and physical therapy, not only did I not get better, I got worse, much worse. I was unable to work, drive, do anything but stay medicated and lay around, I was useless to my family, to my son who was getting ready to graduate and had no support because it was all being spent on me. I went for a second opinion, a “respected” neurologist I had known through friends. He confirmed surgery was my only option before I suffered irreversible damage to my legs and lower back. This decision would prove to be another “voice” I didn’t listen to. I scheduled the surgery with the second Dr. even though it was now almost May and he ordered no additional testing such as X-rays or recent MRI… I trusted a stranger not myself – again. So back to bed I went to wait for my surgery date – May 6, 2013. You would think that date would be the worst date of my life, but it was not, while home bedridden in pain, my son called me early in the afternoon of April 15, 2013 from the finish line of the Boston Marathon… he was watching the marathon like he did every year while at college in Boston at Suffolk… he was separated from his friends and was terrified, coverage had not even hit the news yet, we were crying and scared and cell phone service was getting cut off, my children (my other son also lives in Boston) were in a city with an active terrorist on the lose and I was unable to help them, I will never forget that feeling of helplessness and ANGER. Before I stop this post, I need to mention, both of my boys are safe, but it was single handedly the worst day of my life… talk about the seconds between events….