May 6, 2013

The day my life changed forever…. Having just had one of the greatest weekends of my life with my closest friends for an early Cinco De Mayo pre-surgery party, (more on that in another blog someday, it was epic) I was ready for surgery, truth be told, I was excited, I was looking forward to getting back to the WOD… My surgeon told me how simple the procedure would be that I would probably go home later that day with a bandaid – a simple lumbar discectomy laminectomy it was officially titled.  I realize now that I never even asked any questions, logical ones like, how many of these have you done, what exactly will happen, what are the risks?  Sure you have to sign all these forms, but does anyone really read them?  Anyway… the surgery goes on without any obvious signs of complications.  I remember waking up and feeling no pain in my right leg where hours before it was all I ever felt, great right, surgery worked!  I’m healed and can get back to Crossfit in a few weeks! They decide to keep me overnight, I don’t remember why (sign #3??)  I go home the next day still feeling OK… the following morning I am woken up by an intense pain in my left leg!  I cannot stand, or walk without help, this pain is worse than the pain from before, I am starting to be concerned.  The next few weeks, months would turn into countless ER visits, hospital stays and more surgeries much of which I do not remember.  As weeks go by, tests are finally ordered, it was determined that my disc’s were not only herniated, they were deteriorated, and had ruptered into small fragments along the spinal column, the Dr. had “missed” a couple of pieces during the 1st surgery, and the fragments were pressing on the nerve along the spine which was causing pain on the other side.  He needs to go back in, the fear is starting, the voices I had ignored are at a fever pitch, but I am in so much pain, I just want it to end, do whatever it takes to be pain free…

Note…. my injury and initial MRI was in February… my 1st surgery was not until May.  Looking back if baffles me why a surgeon would operate on a woman’s spine, having not ordered a single test based off another doctors MRI done over 3 months earlier… That simple test may have changed everything… more damage obviously occured between February and May, but I was to naive… I trusted blindly, so essentially, he was operating blind, only looking for a herniation –

June 6, 2013 the second surgery is performed and I know immediately upon waking up something is very wrong.  It’s not just the pain, it’s thet way people are looking at me, fear, alarm, confusion??  I have gained an enourmous amout of weight in a short period of time, I am not sure how long I have been asleep, I am bloated, fuzzy, medicated and so damn scared.  I am soon sent home again, hopped up on pain med, steroids, antibiotics and God knows what else… I was unable to walk and had a wheelchair for a little while… My son was graduating high school and I was not going to miss it… not my baby’s graduation.  A friend of mine is a teacher at the school and arranged for me to have a special viewing section… Sadly, I don’t have many live memories of that day but I have the pictures, we put on a brave face for him, but inside we knew something was brewing.  Pain is an odd thing to describe to people, after awhile you start to think it’s you, that you are weak and just suck it up, you think people around you are probably tired of hearing about it, everybody’s got something right?  Why can’t I beat this, why is my body betraying me like this, a few weeks ago I was deadlifting 150 pounds damnit! I feel guilty, my husband and kids are working and taking care of me 24/7 I should be taking care of them!

About a week later we were having my son’s graduation party – it had been pre-planned and was a big deal (our parties are kinda epic).  My husband, family and friends had to do all the work as I was still in my wheel chair… I have vague  memories of that day.. I remember only a couple of snippets.. I remember one of my husbands oldest friends staring at me in disbelief… (did I really look that bad)!  Looking back, I did…  He later told me, he never thought he would see me alive again…..  I have a hazy memory of  dozing in a recliner in my living room while my girlfriends whispered to each other while looking at me – I can’t even be sure that happened I may have been halucinating.  Something was terribly wrong…  by the end of the night we were back in the ER… the hospital would be my home for the next month….

Author: myjourneybacktomyself15

I'm a journey to rediscover my identity, to overcome pain from too much surgery, CDiff and self limiting behavior. I am lucky enough to have a family to inspire me, as well as 2 rescue pibbles who need me to get back to me.

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