Never Ignore Your Intuition

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Been awhile since my last post…. the Flu has been widespread around the country, I am allergic to the Flu vaccine and honestly not a big believer in it’s effectiveness,  so it was not a shock to me when immediately after my last post after having run errands all that morning that I got up from my laptop and BAM!  I was freezing, chills, shaking, headache, fever and my whole body ached – especially my back.

Recently a friend had suddenly lost his mother to the Flu, she was only 10 years older than me,  children and otherwise healthy adults were dying from this Flu, I was the one wearing gloves everywhere, staying home to avoid contact with possibly infected people, using hand sanitizer, using my sleeve to open doors, hold shopping carts, etc,  I even changed my annual physical to avoid being in the Dr’s office during Flu Season – how crazy is that??

So after confirming my symptoms on Google, I determined I had the Flu.  So over the next 2 days I stacked Tylenol/Motrin, drank lots of water and literally stayed in bed.  I kept ignoring the little voice in my head that something else could be wrong,  I had had the Flu before, but this was different.  I was up all night peeing, but I was drinking all day, normal right?  My back was killing me, normal for the Flu right?  My bladder felt like it was on fire – didn’t read that about the Flu…. Decided to check in with my Dr., but I refused to go in for visit as I didn’t want to be around sick people during Flu season.  I described my symptoms and she too felt symptoms were in line with the Flu, keep doing what I was doing and keep in touch.  After a week I started to feel a little better, but could not be without Tylenol or back in bed I went.  Then after the first week I had to drive to an appointment about 20 minutes away.  Shortly after getting behind wheel I got that feeling again, shaking, chills, fever, nausea and the pain in my back!  It felt like 3rd degree burns all over and I could not even touch the left side of my back.  Called my Dr. who had me come right in, I had to call my husband as I could not even drive at this point, was then sent for a CT SCAN,  which did not go well, I don’t do well drinking the contrast, especially when you already feel like vomiting and your kidneys are screaming and they had a tough time getting the IV in!  Turns out I did not have the Flu (well I may have had prior but we will never know for sure) but I had a serious kidney infection that almost resulted with a hospital stay had I not gone to the Dr. when I did!  By this point I was so weak and in so much pain, I was just relieved to have a plan of action.  Antibiotics, my nemesis, they are a necessary drug to fight infection, but for people like me they come with serious risk.  I am prone to C-Diff  – clostridium difficile infection.  I suffered from this for 2 years after my back surgeries.  It is a cruel illness, it is a life threatening illness, for this reason I will usually resist any type of antibiotics, but this was different, my kidneys were at risk of permanent damage.  So I am taking them for 2 weeks, loading up on probiotics and keeping my fingers crossed and praying to my Guardian Angels for guidance – had I listened to them before I would not be in this mess!  You see, for the week prior I kept saying things like “if I didn’t know better I swear I have a UTI” or “should my back hurt this much?” I kept quieting the voice in my head… why?? I’ll tell you why, FEAR a simple four letter word – but fear is the EGO talking, letting the fear of being near germs actually made my fears manifest and kept me from seeking the help I so badly needed even when all the signs were there that I was ignoring!  I start being a better listener today.  Listen to your “inner voices” pay attention, we usually know when something is off, but we shut the “noise” – the fear, the gut feelings, we tell ourselves we are being paranoid, etc, the universe is never wrong….. Hoping to be up to daily posts soon, taking this one day at a time.  So glad I have this outlet for healing and enlightenment, even if no one reads it, it is therapeutic !

Osteomyelitis, Staph Infection In Spine

 

Have you ever had a nightmare, where you are scared and trying to scream to people so they can save you but you can’t get the words out or be heard… you wake up in a cold sweat and out of breath?  That’s what the next hospital stay felt like every day.  I was trapped in a shell of pain,  I couldn’t get out and no-one seemed to be able to get to me and make it stop.  Even as I type this the details are blurry at best, I remember Doctors and nurses and blood draws and confusion of what to do with me.  I remember morphine and IV bags… I remember the look on my husbands face of helplessness and frustration.  I remember many of the ER doctors remembering me because we had spent so many visits to the ER together… oddly, this comforted me, they genuinely seemed concerned for me but also baffled by what was causing me such pain….. blood counts starting coming in, something was very wrong, my white cells where off the charts, so at least they at least knew they were fighting infection, but how to fight it?  I was awaiting a CT SCAN aspiration – this involves inserting a large needle into the spinal column to drain fluid and determine what bacteria is causing infection so it can be eradicated.  I remember being awake, which was explained to me that I had to be able to tell them if something causes pain or other sensations, there is some sedation but you are aware of what is going on.  I remember lots of pressure and praying it would be over soon.  Sadly it was over soon, my spinal fluid was filled with blood and pus… I was being told I had to go into emergency surgery.  To back up a bit, my husband was not with me as I was admitted during the night and it was a weekend so my test was going to be some time the  next day, we didn’t know when and there was no time to let him know I guess.  So back to surgery, I was unable to give consent as I had been midly sedated for CT SCAN, I remember a sense of urgency to get my husband to the hospital to give consent as it  could not be done over phone, I remember crying and thinking I would never see him or my children again and I needed to tell them I loved them one last time….I was lying on the gurney on the way to surgery and I still didn’t know exactly what whas happening, it was like watching a movie in slow-motion accept I was the main character.  I can’t really write about what happens next in order as I don’t have real memories or they are so fragmented I can’t be sure what is real and what was dreamt…I have to think about how to continue my journey, I’m not sure I can relive this part yet, reliving this is harder than I thought and I am in such a good place now, but I feel like I need to put it in print to leave it behind??