Inner Voices

Today was one of those days that stops your heart… literally.  I have been reliving it all afternoon and can’t shake how close I was to losing it all in an instant if not for my husbands Inner Voice…

My husband is an electrician… a damn good one, he is the sole supporter of this household and after over 35 years still loves what he does even as it takes a toll on his body.  Today started like any other workday… there is always a sense of awareness in the danger of what he does, but you try not to think about it too much.  He was to remove an old service off of a house that the builder had been harping about because it had been sitting on the ground of an old house waiting to be disconnected.  The power company said they had cut off power a while back.  All my husband had to do was a simple cut of the wires, something he has done countless times.  Today (thank God) even though he had been assured it was a dead wire, his inner voice told him to test just for “shits and giggles” as he calls it.  Well the wire was live…. I was on my way to bring him material for the job and when I got there I could see the look on his face… he told me he was seconds from being killed… It was have been instant if he had cut that live wire…. Even as I type this I am rattled.  He tried to laugh it off and assure me that he checked it before, but I have known my husband for over 35 years… he was spooked.  You see as good of an electrician as he is, he has cut wires without checking in a situation like this. Ccountless times many people have done what he was supposed to do without checking… I mean he had been assured by both the power company and the builder that the wires were dead, it had been on the ground for a week, anyone could have been killed had they touched it with all the wind and rain in our area.  The power company rushed to shut off power and even showed remourse and praised him for testing before cutting… “your tester is your best friend” they said…. But my life would have been shattered and I can’t shake how close I was to losing my world.  My husband is my rock and I literally would have died too….

I find that this blog helps me sort through my thoughts and fears and I am grateful for that, but this one will take awhile… I am trying to calm the tiger wife if me that wants to call the power company and shred them for what could have happened…. but it didn’t, so I have to calm the voices, the fears, the hysteria from building… I can’t go there, so I write and hopefully, let it go.  I will hug my husband a little closer tonight and tell him to go golfing tomorrow maybe.  I have said little prayers of gratitude all day.  Funny, this morning, I was praying to find a little necklace I lost… I will lose any trinket over losing my husband any day… St. Anthony recovered what I value the most.

 

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In Sickness and In Health

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Sometimes I think it was just a bad dream…and then I look at my bruises from all the IV bags and needle draws and the rashes from the tape and I am reminded it is not a dream but my nightmare again.   C-Diff – Clostridium difficile has chased me for the past five years on and off, but I won again, it was a hard fought win, but a win!  I still can’t believe I didn’t know how sick I was, I actually went to work Monday, but it was soon obvious I could not stay… I left work at 11:30, contacted my GI Doctor and was sent to ER where I was promptly placed on IV fluids, in isolation by 12:30 pm the same day.  I stayed in the ER for the next 9 hours consuming 3-4 bags of much needed fluids as I continued to literally run to the bathroom in excess of 30 times over the course of the day.  I was lucky though, I had a hazmat room, but no connecting bathroom so they had to quarantine the common one for me, much to the condescending looks from the pregnant woman in the next cubby.  There were patients lined up in the halls, bleeding, handcuffed, high, MVA accidents, etc.  I was too tired and sick to be scared yet.  We were told I would be spending some time at the hospital but were waiting on a bed, that is when the reality of the situation started to sink in.  I did pack a small bag with a nightshirt, a book and my phone figuring a night of fluids was all I would need – wrong.  The hospital became my home for the next week.  We got word around 5:00pm that a bed was available and were just waiting for transport – there are two campus’ at this hospital and I was to be transferred to the other.  It would be 5 hours before I was actually transferred!  I really don’t know how we passed the time, did I mention it was also my 30th wedding anniversary!  Not exactly how we planned on spending it, but why should it be any different than the way we spent our 25th.  And they said it wouldn’t last – LOL.  My stay was not under pleasant circumstances, but the nurses made it so much better than it could have been… they pampered me even though I tried not to bother them… they listened to me… they encouraged me to have my pity party, that I had earned that right.  I don’t really like to complain, lets be honest, C-diff is horrible and lonely and degrading, but I was going to get better eventually.  I think about the kids with cancer that are so young and scared….. and also I think about the Parklands, the Sandy Hook… the list goes on and on.  When you are alone and miserable, all you have is your thoughts. Later comes the guilt for feeling sorry for myself.  But those nurses would not let me feel guilty, they picked me up when I needed it most, so I had my pity party and then moved on ready to fight the fight again!  They kept commenting on how my attitude was so good and upbeat for someone so sick… I didn’t feel that way, but I am glad I projected that.  You see, I felt like a burden to everyone, my family, my friends, my doctors, my co-workers and yes even those incredible nurses.  In my circle of friends and family, I don’t know anyone that has had the health issues that have plagued me over the years from a non terminal disease.  It seems I always have something… I often wonder if people think I am faking or exaggerating…I mean I know I am not, but it’s hard not to wonder what people think.  Being sick is lonely, you don’t want to burden people, but you want to be heard and understood, its’ a vicious cycle.  Sometimes I wonder if I am being punished.  I grew up with a very sick mother, my mother’s illness was always in her head, they were not physical ailments that you could see… she was manic and bi-polar.  I didn’t understand this as a kid or even as an adult if I am being honest, and I certainly did not feel empathy, I felt cheated.  So as I sit here recovering again, I have to wonder if this is some type of karma for not seeming to care when I was younger.

Never Ignore Your Intuition

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Been awhile since my last post…. the Flu has been widespread around the country, I am allergic to the Flu vaccine and honestly not a big believer in it’s effectiveness,  so it was not a shock to me when immediately after my last post after having run errands all that morning that I got up from my laptop and BAM!  I was freezing, chills, shaking, headache, fever and my whole body ached – especially my back.

Recently a friend had suddenly lost his mother to the Flu, she was only 10 years older than me,  children and otherwise healthy adults were dying from this Flu, I was the one wearing gloves everywhere, staying home to avoid contact with possibly infected people, using hand sanitizer, using my sleeve to open doors, hold shopping carts, etc,  I even changed my annual physical to avoid being in the Dr’s office during Flu Season – how crazy is that??

So after confirming my symptoms on Google, I determined I had the Flu.  So over the next 2 days I stacked Tylenol/Motrin, drank lots of water and literally stayed in bed.  I kept ignoring the little voice in my head that something else could be wrong,  I had had the Flu before, but this was different.  I was up all night peeing, but I was drinking all day, normal right?  My back was killing me, normal for the Flu right?  My bladder felt like it was on fire – didn’t read that about the Flu…. Decided to check in with my Dr., but I refused to go in for visit as I didn’t want to be around sick people during Flu season.  I described my symptoms and she too felt symptoms were in line with the Flu, keep doing what I was doing and keep in touch.  After a week I started to feel a little better, but could not be without Tylenol or back in bed I went.  Then after the first week I had to drive to an appointment about 20 minutes away.  Shortly after getting behind wheel I got that feeling again, shaking, chills, fever, nausea and the pain in my back!  It felt like 3rd degree burns all over and I could not even touch the left side of my back.  Called my Dr. who had me come right in, I had to call my husband as I could not even drive at this point, was then sent for a CT SCAN,  which did not go well, I don’t do well drinking the contrast, especially when you already feel like vomiting and your kidneys are screaming and they had a tough time getting the IV in!  Turns out I did not have the Flu (well I may have had prior but we will never know for sure) but I had a serious kidney infection that almost resulted with a hospital stay had I not gone to the Dr. when I did!  By this point I was so weak and in so much pain, I was just relieved to have a plan of action.  Antibiotics, my nemesis, they are a necessary drug to fight infection, but for people like me they come with serious risk.  I am prone to C-Diff  – clostridium difficile infection.  I suffered from this for 2 years after my back surgeries.  It is a cruel illness, it is a life threatening illness, for this reason I will usually resist any type of antibiotics, but this was different, my kidneys were at risk of permanent damage.  So I am taking them for 2 weeks, loading up on probiotics and keeping my fingers crossed and praying to my Guardian Angels for guidance – had I listened to them before I would not be in this mess!  You see, for the week prior I kept saying things like “if I didn’t know better I swear I have a UTI” or “should my back hurt this much?” I kept quieting the voice in my head… why?? I’ll tell you why, FEAR a simple four letter word – but fear is the EGO talking, letting the fear of being near germs actually made my fears manifest and kept me from seeking the help I so badly needed even when all the signs were there that I was ignoring!  I start being a better listener today.  Listen to your “inner voices” pay attention, we usually know when something is off, but we shut the “noise” – the fear, the gut feelings, we tell ourselves we are being paranoid, etc, the universe is never wrong….. Hoping to be up to daily posts soon, taking this one day at a time.  So glad I have this outlet for healing and enlightenment, even if no one reads it, it is therapeutic !