Inner Voices

Today was one of those days that stops your heart… literally.  I have been reliving it all afternoon and can’t shake how close I was to losing it all in an instant if not for my husbands Inner Voice…

My husband is an electrician… a damn good one, he is the sole supporter of this household and after over 35 years still loves what he does even as it takes a toll on his body.  Today started like any other workday… there is always a sense of awareness in the danger of what he does, but you try not to think about it too much.  He was to remove an old service off of a house that the builder had been harping about because it had been sitting on the ground of an old house waiting to be disconnected.  The power company said they had cut off power a while back.  All my husband had to do was a simple cut of the wires, something he has done countless times.  Today (thank God) even though he had been assured it was a dead wire, his inner voice told him to test just for “shits and giggles” as he calls it.  Well the wire was live…. I was on my way to bring him material for the job and when I got there I could see the look on his face… he told me he was seconds from being killed… It was have been instant if he had cut that live wire…. Even as I type this I am rattled.  He tried to laugh it off and assure me that he checked it before, but I have known my husband for over 35 years… he was spooked.  You see as good of an electrician as he is, he has cut wires without checking in a situation like this. Ccountless times many people have done what he was supposed to do without checking… I mean he had been assured by both the power company and the builder that the wires were dead, it had been on the ground for a week, anyone could have been killed had they touched it with all the wind and rain in our area.  The power company rushed to shut off power and even showed remourse and praised him for testing before cutting… “your tester is your best friend” they said…. But my life would have been shattered and I can’t shake how close I was to losing my world.  My husband is my rock and I literally would have died too….

I find that this blog helps me sort through my thoughts and fears and I am grateful for that, but this one will take awhile… I am trying to calm the tiger wife if me that wants to call the power company and shred them for what could have happened…. but it didn’t, so I have to calm the voices, the fears, the hysteria from building… I can’t go there, so I write and hopefully, let it go.  I will hug my husband a little closer tonight and tell him to go golfing tomorrow maybe.  I have said little prayers of gratitude all day.  Funny, this morning, I was praying to find a little necklace I lost… I will lose any trinket over losing my husband any day… St. Anthony recovered what I value the most.

 

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C-Diff

Clostridium difficile :cdiff

The ugly monster that lives inside me.  Five years out of surgery and with all the life changing ways I have adjusted to my new normal, nothing defeats me like this infection.  In my previous posts I have mentioned how my beloved rescue Staffy Bella had “diagnosed” me several times with this awful disease.  The last couple months I have been living in a sort of denial of how sick I was, I didn’t have her with me anymore to warn me of how sick I was and I didn’t want to listen to the inner voices in my head that something was very wrong.  Only someone who has had this debilitating illness can truly understand it’s effects on the body.  The diarrhea may be perceived as just a nuisance to some people, but the reality is it is physically draining.  Imagine going to the bathroom 10 times before 8:00 am and going to work being on your feet all day and trying to pretend that you are fine.  Dehydration sets in rather quickly as do the other symptoms of nausea, fatigue, pain and tenderness in the abdomen that feels like your body was a punching bag for a champion fighter.  You are hungry but you can’t eat, you don’t go out because you know you will be sick, you can’t even enjoy the comfort of your partner for fears of being sick.  In my case it also adds to my IBS symptoms and exacerbates the pain from my back surgeries.  I also have the perfect storm of being allergic to most antibiotics.  Currently there is only 2 antibiotics that can treat recurrent C-Diff and I can take Vancomycin but it comes at a hefty $500 copay for a 10 day supply (I will be on for close to 3 months)  Insurance companies and pharmaceutical gouging will be another blog post!  In addition to the cost, Vancomycin also makes me very sick to my stomach, but it is a necessary evil to fight this disease.  I have explored other treatments, in 2016 I had a Fecal Transplant which involves taking healthy stool from a donor and transplanting via a colonoscopy into a sick person.   Gross I know, but if you get passed the gross factor, Canada and other countries have been performing for decades.  I won’t get into specifics but suffice to say, after my transplant I was rid of the infection for a year and a half.  Fecal transplants have about a 95% success rate compared to antibiotics to cure C-Diff, but many people like myself with recurrent C-Diff may need repeated transplants.  In my case, I believe I was reinfected after suffering from a kidney infection back in February – a transplant does not protect you from this as antibiotics are a cause of C-Diff as well as a cure sadly.

As I write this I am fighting the urge to throw up from the Vanco and trying to find a way to get fluids and nutrients into my body to feel stronger, it is a constant battle that I will have for the foreseeable future, but I will get thru it again.  I will have days like today that I will allow a little pity party, try and shake it off and dig deep to find the strength – I WILL FIND IT and hope to beat it once and for all!

Never Ignore Your Intuition

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Been awhile since my last post…. the Flu has been widespread around the country, I am allergic to the Flu vaccine and honestly not a big believer in it’s effectiveness,  so it was not a shock to me when immediately after my last post after having run errands all that morning that I got up from my laptop and BAM!  I was freezing, chills, shaking, headache, fever and my whole body ached – especially my back.

Recently a friend had suddenly lost his mother to the Flu, she was only 10 years older than me,  children and otherwise healthy adults were dying from this Flu, I was the one wearing gloves everywhere, staying home to avoid contact with possibly infected people, using hand sanitizer, using my sleeve to open doors, hold shopping carts, etc,  I even changed my annual physical to avoid being in the Dr’s office during Flu Season – how crazy is that??

So after confirming my symptoms on Google, I determined I had the Flu.  So over the next 2 days I stacked Tylenol/Motrin, drank lots of water and literally stayed in bed.  I kept ignoring the little voice in my head that something else could be wrong,  I had had the Flu before, but this was different.  I was up all night peeing, but I was drinking all day, normal right?  My back was killing me, normal for the Flu right?  My bladder felt like it was on fire – didn’t read that about the Flu…. Decided to check in with my Dr., but I refused to go in for visit as I didn’t want to be around sick people during Flu season.  I described my symptoms and she too felt symptoms were in line with the Flu, keep doing what I was doing and keep in touch.  After a week I started to feel a little better, but could not be without Tylenol or back in bed I went.  Then after the first week I had to drive to an appointment about 20 minutes away.  Shortly after getting behind wheel I got that feeling again, shaking, chills, fever, nausea and the pain in my back!  It felt like 3rd degree burns all over and I could not even touch the left side of my back.  Called my Dr. who had me come right in, I had to call my husband as I could not even drive at this point, was then sent for a CT SCAN,  which did not go well, I don’t do well drinking the contrast, especially when you already feel like vomiting and your kidneys are screaming and they had a tough time getting the IV in!  Turns out I did not have the Flu (well I may have had prior but we will never know for sure) but I had a serious kidney infection that almost resulted with a hospital stay had I not gone to the Dr. when I did!  By this point I was so weak and in so much pain, I was just relieved to have a plan of action.  Antibiotics, my nemesis, they are a necessary drug to fight infection, but for people like me they come with serious risk.  I am prone to C-Diff  – clostridium difficile infection.  I suffered from this for 2 years after my back surgeries.  It is a cruel illness, it is a life threatening illness, for this reason I will usually resist any type of antibiotics, but this was different, my kidneys were at risk of permanent damage.  So I am taking them for 2 weeks, loading up on probiotics and keeping my fingers crossed and praying to my Guardian Angels for guidance – had I listened to them before I would not be in this mess!  You see, for the week prior I kept saying things like “if I didn’t know better I swear I have a UTI” or “should my back hurt this much?” I kept quieting the voice in my head… why?? I’ll tell you why, FEAR a simple four letter word – but fear is the EGO talking, letting the fear of being near germs actually made my fears manifest and kept me from seeking the help I so badly needed even when all the signs were there that I was ignoring!  I start being a better listener today.  Listen to your “inner voices” pay attention, we usually know when something is off, but we shut the “noise” – the fear, the gut feelings, we tell ourselves we are being paranoid, etc, the universe is never wrong….. Hoping to be up to daily posts soon, taking this one day at a time.  So glad I have this outlet for healing and enlightenment, even if no one reads it, it is therapeutic !