Have you ever had a nightmare, where you are scared and trying to scream to people so they can save you but you can’t get the words out or be heard… you wake up in a cold sweat and out of breath? That’s what the next hospital stay felt like every day. I was trapped in a shell of pain, I couldn’t get out and no-one seemed to be able to get to me and make it stop. Even as I type this the details are blurry at best, I remember Doctors and nurses and blood draws and confusion of what to do with me. I remember morphine and IV bags… I remember the look on my husbands face of helplessness and frustration. I remember many of the ER doctors remembering me because we had spent so many visits to the ER together… oddly, this comforted me, they genuinely seemed concerned for me but also baffled by what was causing me such pain….. blood counts starting coming in, something was very wrong, my white cells where off the charts, so at least they at least knew they were fighting infection, but how to fight it? I was awaiting a CT SCAN aspiration – this involves inserting a large needle into the spinal column to drain fluid and determine what bacteria is causing infection so it can be eradicated. I remember being awake, which was explained to me that I had to be able to tell them if something causes pain or other sensations, there is some sedation but you are aware of what is going on. I remember lots of pressure and praying it would be over soon. Sadly it was over soon, my spinal fluid was filled with blood and pus… I was being told I had to go into emergency surgery. To back up a bit, my husband was not with me as I was admitted during the night and it was a weekend so my test was going to be some time the next day, we didn’t know when and there was no time to let him know I guess. So back to surgery, I was unable to give consent as I had been midly sedated for CT SCAN, I remember a sense of urgency to get my husband to the hospital to give consent as it could not be done over phone, I remember crying and thinking I would never see him or my children again and I needed to tell them I loved them one last time….I was lying on the gurney on the way to surgery and I still didn’t know exactly what whas happening, it was like watching a movie in slow-motion accept I was the main character. I can’t really write about what happens next in order as I don’t have real memories or they are so fragmented I can’t be sure what is real and what was dreamt…I have to think about how to continue my journey, I’m not sure I can relive this part yet, reliving this is harder than I thought and I am in such a good place now, but I feel like I need to put it in print to leave it behind??